Why does it matter so much to you?

I’ve known most of my life that I would never have children. It’s never seemed like a big deal to me. And it never seemed like a big deal to my friends, family or associates when I was a child. But now I realize it’s because they didn’t take me the least bit seriously. After all, what five-year-old knows they’ll never have kids? But then I got older. And I turned into Ashley the responsible one. Ashley, who has “old people sense,” and thinks things through logically to find the best option. And suddenly everyone started to take me seriously. That was the problem. If I said I wasn’t going to have kids, it wasn’t going to happen. For some reason, that was not an option.

Even now I don’t know why it matters so much to everyone else whether or not I have kids. I can understand that most people end up reproducing. But whenever I get into a debate, I can’t help but ask the person, “Why does it matter so much to you?” They never have an answer. What can they say? Their only option is to admit that they are nosy busy-bodies.

My choice shouldn’t matter at all to anyone else. But it does because it’s not “normal.” And that’s why Purple Women needs voices. So that our lives and who we are can become accepted as normal. We don’t deserve to be ignored simply because we are a minority. We do deserve to be counted just like mothers. The world wide web is huge. There is plenty of space for us. Hopefully more women-centered blogs will make some room for us.

November 15 Childfree Women Speak Up Day

I can’t honestly say I’ve ever felt invisible as a CF woman. Disrespected, perhaps (“What made you not want kids?” as if the default setting is wanting them). But then, I really didn’t think about children until I got married, and I was 32 when I did that, so I didn’t even start down the road until far after most people have kids or know they don’t want them.

Actually, it’s not like I ever wanted them. They just seemed like one of those things that would probably happen someday, and if I closed my eyes and held my breath for 18 years, I’d survive the misery and get my life back. When people would tell me I should have a child, I’d jokingly say, “Yeah, but after getting pregnant and giving birth to it, they’d make me keep it!” So, looking back, I suppose I was always childfree, I just hadn’t recognized the fact until I was married and approaching my mid-30s and a final decision really needed to be made. The prison sentence of motherhood? Or the life I truly preferred and wanted?

Well, since I’m posting here, you can see what I chose.

Speaking Up

There’s a choice? I was nineteen years-old when I realized that I could choose not to have children (seems rather late in life, but quite honestly I never thought about having them as well). I think a comment made by a writer I read in a philosophy class I took, about all women wanting to be mothers (or missing out if they didn’t/couldn’t have children), sent me over the edge. “Don’t Assume!” I nearly yelled in the middle of class. There were more important things than reproducing weren’t there?

I value my mind more than my uterus, as it can do so much more and give so much more. And yet, at first I felt as though I were alone until I surfed the Internet and ran across a few forums and web sites about not wanting children. However, I still felt invisible. Sure, there was a place where I could go to chat with other CF people, but in the real world, it was a bit harder. I got my first “bingo” while talking to a relative about my decision to not have children. I thought he would be understanding in my decision, after all we were pretty close and I could talk to him about a lot of things. But it surprised me– instead of support, the response was that all women wanted children and that I was being too rational.

After running into similar situations, I soon thought it was almost impossible to be taken seriously so I stopped bringing it up all together. The same kinds of things happened as I began to find my own beliefs and ways of living (such as being an Atheist and not wanting to date or be in a relationship of any sort). I stopped talking about those things too.

Eventually I realized I really shouldn’t stop talking about the things I believe. After all, if I must listen to people talk about the importance of their religion, their children, their relationships, and how I should respect their beliefs, I thinks it’s only fair that I get the same sort of respect too. Retreating into silence only further hurt me and I learned that lesson well. I haven’t quite found my footing, but it’s something I’m working on. I’ve learned that the best way to become visible is to speak up and speak out about the things that are very important to me.

Unscripted Participates in Purple Women Count on November 15th

Purple Women and Friends has created an event for CF women who also blog. Today, participating bloggers write about their experiences as childfree women. CF Unscripted, has also decided to participate so be on the lookout for our posts.

For more information on the event, go here.

Where’s Unscripted?

*From the Unscripted web site

Yes, there is no November 2007 issue of Unscripted. However, we are planning to have a great December issue, so until December 1, take a stroll through our back issues.

Want to be a contributor to Unscripted? We can always use more dedicated people to supply us with stories, especially features. What’s going on in the childfree world? If you know, why not write it up and submit it to us.

Have a wonderful November and we’ll see you again in thirty days.

Martha

In the mean time have a look at past articles:

Why aren’t I taken seriously?

Instant Karma

Essure: A Permanent Solution

Gay and Childfree

Why (almost) Everyone Needs a Roth IRA

On Miracles: Musings on the Journey from Childless to Childfree